Kate Heavey – BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and Counsellor. Qualified in Individual, Couple, Marriage and Two’s Counselling. Specialties – Relationships, Alcohol Addiction, Loss / Bereavement and Single-Session Therapy. Online Zoom, Skype and Phone Therapy in the UK + Worldwide.
Couple counselling offers a place where there is no blame, no judgement, where no-one is the ‘bad guy’. Couple counselling is where the impact of two people on one relationship is explored.
If you focus on the negative/bad/unpleasant, guess what, this is what you will receive. So we will look at the lens you are viewing your relationship through.
Together we will work on you having a more authentically connected contented relationship
Feel heard, seen and listened to
Improve your communication skills
Talk freely without fear of judgement
Unlearn patterns which are no longer beneficial to you
Learn how your past impacts your now
Learn how to comfortably express genuine feelings, i.e. anger, resentment, shame, joy, sad, etc.
Learn that you have needs and you are perfectly entitled to ask for them
Realise ‘you are not the bad guy/girl’ in the relationship and it is co-created
Recognise how living in the past or future robs you of life today
Look at the impact of each other (and vice versa)
Realise that blame is avoiding feeling pain
Work on defense mechanisms which were created in childhood and are no longer working
Look at how stuckness and resistance are stopping you from moving forward
Find a voice and recover from past / current trauma
Reduce sensitivity through working on depersonalising your partner’s every word
Celebrate your relationship
Build your own inner resilience
Learn self-acceptance and self-compassion and extend to your partner
Heal past relationship feelings, i.e. neglect, anger, resentment
Incorporate fun and humour – it is important to be able to smile and laugh with your partner.
In reality, what our couple/marriage/two therapy will offer is a real relationship; a relationship which can be modelled within your own relationship and the other relationships around you.
Does this sound like the kind of relationship you want?
If yes, contact me and let me know which available appointment time you wish to take so we can start working together on your wants, needs and desires.
If no, read on as you are here as you are in discomfort so you may need a little more encouragement.
So first off, change IS uncomfortable and that is why they say that, on average, couples take 7 years too long to come to therapy (yes, 7 years!). So if you are here sooner, you are already doing a great job.
Letting a third person into your relationship takes courage yet what is important to remember is that it is with a view to change and to help you live more comfortably and contentedly within your relationship. For all intense and purposes you have tried your best yet, sometimes, you can be at your wits end as to what is happening and that is why you find yourself here. Isn’t it true that you have learnt Maths, you have learnt English, yet where have you learnt how to be in relationship? Is it any wonder there can be struggle and the very reason you are here means you want different.
Couple counselling is about creating a new relationship where you are informed by the past yet you do not live in it. The fact you are here is not one person’s fault, it is due to what is being co-created.
In your sessions we will explore the dance you are doing, we will look at the steps you are both making and we will work together to find new ways of your dance being smoother.
I will encourage you to engage as individuals and as a couple drawing on your own internal resources (of which you both have many) which will help you discover more options and choices (ones that may currently be hidden from you).
All of these are great questions and counselling brings a sense of normality by providing a safe space where we can work on them together. It is worth remembering you are two different people, with different needs and, at times, you may feel uncertain in your relationship and that is ok. When two individuals come together so do two worlds of difference and it is about how you navigate difference together.
Blaming & criticising
Frustration & resentment
Lack of intimacy
Withdrawn or distant
Feeling unloved or deprived
Feeling shame or guilt
Affair or betrayal
as well as; walking on eggshells, passive / aggressive behaviour, loss of attraction, trapped in negative cycles, lack of fun / too little time together, impact of becoming parents, navigating life transitions, feel unfulfilled or disrespected, conflict, i.e. finance, family, step, etc., feel unimportant or silenced, ‘third object’ getting in the way (gadget, alcohol, child, etc.), past triggered, inequality, i.e. top dog or less than, contemplating separation, conflicting goals / values / beliefs, feeling controlled / lack of freedom, problems with marriage 2.0
N – is it Necessary?
H – is it Honest?
S – is it Self-seeking?
“Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.”
Dr John Gottman